# The Importance of Boundaries (A paper ghost re-written for https://www.zillennialintimacy.coach/) # 1) Why have boundaries become such an important topic of discussion? The phrase "setting boundaries" has experienced a recent noticeable spike in popularity within discussions pertaining to relationships and self-care. Though it is no doubt a net positive that therapy has become less stigmatized and accessible, "setting boundaries" and other "therapy speak" phrases are, unfortunately, too frequently thrown around—especially on social media—in situations where they are less than appropriate, draining them of the meaning that gives them value as they find their place in our cultural zeitgeist. It is my belief that this surge in usage has been spurred on, in large part, by a (_much needed_) uptick in focus on what a healthy relationship looks like. We might traditionally associate "boundaries" with actions like finally telling our Uncle that **this** Thanksgiving won't be hijacked, yet again, by one of his long-winded political conspiracy rants. In actuality, boundaries can serve a foundational part in any relationship the seeks to ground itself in **mutual respect, understanding**, and **autonomy**. Meaning, they're less about putting up walls and more about making sure that each person feel's that their needs and perspectives are understood and met by all parties. # 2) Please define boundaries and explain how they serve as guidelines for acceptable behavior. In every relationship, each individual is bringing with them a lifetime of experiences, cultural upbringing, lessons learned from previous relationships, and, much, much more. To put it lightly, **people are complex.** We wouldn't wander into a city we've never set foot in in our lives and expect to expertly navigate it on foot like someone born and bred there their entire lives. Boundaries are a way we can clearly illuminate to our partner what are values are, what we expect, and any other particulars we may find particularly important. When communicated openly and with kindness, boundaries can set us up for a happy and fruitful relationship where all involved are felt **respected**, **safe**, and **valued.** Additionally, boundaries are a way to establish **limits** that define what behaviors are **acceptable**. # 3) Why are boundaries in relationships important? As previously mentioned, we're complicated people. It's only logical to have guidelines tailored to individuals that help us in understanding and navigating life with our partners. While I talk about attachment styles and how they impact our relationships **in my book Different Me, Different Us: the readable part of couples therapy (by Maddie Hundley, MMFT),** boundaries play a similar role in defining our **emotional safety.** Boundaries provide us with an excellent way of ensuring that each person feels secure, respected, and connected to their significant others. No man or woman is an island: boundaries are a vital component of self-care. Without them, creating and maintaining relationships built on mutual respect, autonomy, and empathy, can become an incredibly difficult task. Without mutual respect, we enter into relationships where we find ourselves forfeiting pieces of our autonomy in exchange for attempting to maintain a connection, or we run the risk of of trampling over someone else's rights in an effort to preserve our own. # 4) What are some signs one needs to set boundaries in a relationship? Though there can be many indicators that some boundaries need to be set in a relationship, and they can vary greatly from relationship to relationship, some of the most common warning signs include feeling **overwhelmed**, **taken for granted**, or that there's a lack in needed personal space. If you happen to notice that your partner is regularly overstepping or **disregarding** your needs, that's often a clear sign that it's time to discuss some boundaries. # 5) How does one go about getting healthy boundaries? Setting health boundaries involves **2 key steps**: 1. Clearing defining and establishing what the boundary is and what expectations it implies 2. Like all good things, holding boundaries requires practice. Make sure you stick to what you originally defined and agreed upon with your partner. **If you're like me**, you might be used to prioritizing the needs of others above your own, which can make enforcing them your boundaries feel especially difficult at first. However, consistency is key here—especially when doing so feels challenging. With consistent practice, maintaining healthy boundaries will become almost like second nature, and certainly something you're glad grateful to have stuck to in a relationship you're invested in. # 6) What are a couple of examples of healthy boundaries? Healthy boundaries involve setting clear expectations with your partner and being prepared to hold to them when they're challenged and it's potentially uncomfortable. For example, needing time alone after an especially taxing day, or agreeing to consult one another on matters of extreme importance and big decision making. When you find your boundaries being pushed, standing firm and maintaining those set boundaries is _paramount_ to maintaining them and ensuring a healthy and respectful relationship. # 7) What are a couple of examples of unhealthy boundaries? One example of an unhealthy boundary could be attempting to restrict your partner from having a nude magazine or accessing pornography. **Sexuality is personal**, and **boundaries are not about controlling someone else's behavior**, but instead about defining how you will **respond** when a boundary is crossed—asking yourself, "_what will I do if this happens again?_" Healthy boundaries primarily focus on our needs, and not attempting to **dictate the behavior of others around us.** Ultimately, _we_ have the **agency** to decide what behaviors we allow and tolerate, but we must also exercise that agency in shaping our perspective on how boundary breaches should be handled.